By now you’ve probably heard that, according to the Mayan Calendar, the world will come to an end on December 21st of this year. I’m not sure when exactly we all started basing our lives off an ancient calendar system from a civilization that no longer exists, but whatevs, seems like we’re going strong with this one. I realized that I really need to do something about this. The world can’t end in less than a month. I need more time! I haven’t even met Beyonce or Rihanna yet!!!!
Because I’m real smartz and retained my eight grade history education, I remembered that The Mayans used to perform ritual sacrifices. Naturally, the only way to prevent the end of the world is to take up this practice again.
Look, I’m not saying we should go ahead and off these guys…I’m just saying we should make the offer and see where the gods/God/Allah/Jehovah/Quetzalcoatl/Yahweh stand. Maybe if we can prove to the universe that we have enough damn sense to rid ourselves of all this ridonkulousness, they’ll keep us around for a little longer.
Five Things We Should Offer As Sacrifices To Avoid the End of the World
SERIOUSLY THOUGH LOOK AT THESE MONSTERS. I was going to include all cats, but I decided to try to be diplomatic here. I will always admit that I have a bit of a bias because I’m allergic to these evil heifers, but they have still gotsss to go. And I say this as someone who cares about a lot of people who really love cats. Whatevs, they’ll get over it. That’s what they get anyway for overfeeding these backstabbing land whales.
The Kardashian Family
I think this could really do the trick, if for no other reason than that there’s power in numbers. JKJKJKJK there are about a million other reasons why we should try to get rid of these people. These clowns have become a defining pillar of our pop culture landscape, (that is the saddest thing I’ve ever typed) and just think about what they represent: Extreme self-absorption, no useful contributions to society and using fame and wealth to do nothing but maintain said fame and wealth. (The babies can stick around though. It’s not their fault this is who they ended up with.)
People who use golf umbrellas in New York City
These are the worst kind of people on the planet. Unless you’re actually on a golf course or are trying to shield all Seven Dwarfs from the rain, you DO NOT need a damn golf umbrella. There are over 8 million people in New York City–we don’t have the time or space for this shit. You’re walking down a sidewalk, not a football field. I’m from the Pacific Northwest, which is basically a rainforest, and we just throw on a hood and call it a damn day. No golf umbrellas in sight because we are not assholes. Now, to be fair, New York actually gets more rainfall than Seattle (YES THAT’S A TRUE SCIENTIFIC THING) and the rain here is generally much heavier, so I understand the need for an umbrella–a personal umbrella. Capable of covering one person. For realz though, look at that selfish jerk in the picture. Good riddance.
Exhibit A: Rebecca Black’s “Friday”. Exhibit B: “Thanksgiving“. This man needs to be stopped. If we don’t get rid of him now, we’re going to have some sad, oblivious 15 year-old girl warbling about every damn day of the week and every holiday on the calendar.
Whoever came up with the idea for those stupid sparklers with bottle service
Gaaawwwd this. is. the. absolute. worst. Those inane sticks of dynamite are like 80% of the reason I hate clubs. I assume that the only reason clubs even do this is because the people buying the bottle actually like it. We get it guyzzz, you paid too much for a bottle! Cool! For this one night, in this one trendy club, you are very very cool and we aaalll want to be exactly like you. Just take your overpriced bottle of liquor and sit the hell down. How these fire hazards haven’t burned a club down yet I’ll never understand. Also, have you ever looked at the faces of the waitresses when they’re forced to perform this charade? They look like they hate you, themselves, and every life decision they’ve ever made. We’d actually be doing them a favor.
Only have 23 days left folks! Let’s get crack a lackin.