Long story short: There’s a woman in Rochester, New York named Jackie Samuel who is charging people (read: sad, desperate, lonely men) for cuddling.
What in fiery Hades is the matter with these bugaboos? Can you actually imagine paying for this? Oh, no? Well congratulations because you’re not crazy.
Seriously though, the people (read: sad, desperate, lonely men) engaging in this transaction are just a hop and a skip away from this guy:
(via)
Jackie calls herself a “professional cuddler” and charges her customers (read: sad, desperate, lonely men) $60 for an hour of cuddling and can make $260 a day. Apparently, she started this prime example of human desperation, “to help pay for her studies and provide for her young son.”
Ok, so a few things:
1) Professional cuddling is not a thing
By giving herself that ridiculous title, Jackie is implying that she has some sort of special skill, but how can one be bad at cuddling? 85% of it is just laying there. Anytime some says to me “I’m a really good cuddler,” I want to break their nose because SHUT THE HELL UP. It’s like saying babies are good sleepers.
2) Just, no
Look, I can respect a hustle. She’s just trying to get an education and keep food on the table for her kid. I’m not necessarily hating the player, but I for damn certain am hating the game.
3) SIXTY AMERICAN DOLLARS?
Is she for surious with that? And how is she making $260 when she charges $60 an hour? Think about that for a second. Even if she charges by the half hour, that does not add up.
Even though this is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, I will say that the absurd tone of the article really makes the whole situation that much worse:
The cuddling can take place anywhere around her cottage in Rochester, New York, but most clients opt to use her large double bed.
Well color me NOT THE LEAST BIT SURPRISED.
She can make $260 a day and cuddles with up to 30 men a week – including pensioners and war veterans.
Ok…???
One of her repeat customers, who would only give his name as Tim, disagrees with her critics.
He said Jackie’s cuddles had helped him following a bad break-up and described the sessions as ‘meditative’.
He even said he would continue to see her while in a relationship.
‘There’s no cheating element, it’s not immoral,’ he said.
OH MY GOODNESS MERCIFUL CHRIST ON A SALTINE CRACKER. Timmy, I don’t think you’re going to have to worry about ever being in a relationship again. Better get on Jackie’s schedule for the rest of your life.
YEP
This is where we are at as a society, people. I hope you’re happy.
-K
#sasstag 
I found myself saying “mmmm hmmm” and “preach it, sister” after every paragraph of this commentary. Sadly, I also recognized the “in a relationship with a human sex doll” guy from an episode of TLC’s Taboo. So I don’t know…maybe that cancels it out?
You’re a champ for recognizing the sex doll guy. Nothing less.
-K
Reblogged this on bizarrojones and commented:
In this tough economy, it takes a little innovation to get ahead. If you’re currently unemployed, here’s one way to pay the bills. If your looks are a bit unfavorable, you can always try to tap into the fetish market. Maybe furry cuddling?